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Lunar Eclipse

Not even the thickest of the clouds

can keep the sun

from burning bright.

 

Nor would darkness dare to

compete against the light.

 

…but nobody asks about 

what is in the shadows…

 

trapped in between…

…a solitary existence behind light.

 

Struggling to escape from the dark

to be free…

  to be known…

    to be seen…

under the light…

yet, it is.

 


A Retrospect: Tragedies are stories meant for those who do not have what it takes to beat the hands of destiny.

My time is near and I have to wake up before you die. If this serves as a suicide note, I’ll die by your side. This is not being romantic nor am I being such a show off for death. This is a letter that I hope will keep you alive.

I have so much metaphors in my head that are waiting to be said until time fades along with our being. If poetry is the thin line that connects us to each other, let us pave that neural pathway, expand it with more that we can do together and synchronize the beating of our hearts. I’m keeping everything, condensing every single detail to create an impact. To crash the bulletproof window to your world and disturb the still air and anger the waves to your sea. We need this. We have to live by the ugliness of the world reeking in absurdity. We have to die, and rise from our own ashes and start anew without erasing our memories from the past, hold on to it and let go of the present. Our death will be silent. It is a cause. A cause for a better future. A cause for us to live. A retrospect.

I’ll be good to you. Speaking my words through your ears and rhymes. There is so much that I could say and we’ll be the sower to our greatest achievements that will follow in the future. If we were a mathematical equation, we’ll always divide our memories and add labels to each. Happy, sad, painful and true. Just three words that are never ordinary because each are always multiplied by the power of two. The equation doesn’t end there. We are lines on a graph representing only one true point of intersection. There will be no parallels, no leaving, because such things won’t be ever enough to make me love you less. Just say you’re not into it. Stay.

The Wonderland and Oz has been so overrated. We have what we have and we can still have more that we can. But we’ll keep the stress and misunderstandings. We’ll keep everything that can hurt the both of us. That can eat us alive, burn us to the core and succumb to the illusion that we both love…or maybe I am the only one…

This is not a time for sweet words. We’ve been so vague. I can’t say nothing more to encourage you to suffer with me. Surely, I am such a burden. I am such a burden that you haven’t carried for the past seventeen years. And all this time, I’ve brought pain in my DNA. It is encrypted, flowing through my veins. I am a vessel of a spirit contained waiting to explode like a dormant volcano.

I’m not sure if this is what you have hoped for. If I’m consuming everything that you desired. If I caught you, kept you under my veil of darkness that you once wanted to uncover.

We have time. So much time that we can do to survive. We met so early in this age when everything has been fast-paced. People meet and split up the very next day as if nothing happened. But we, we’re a different story. I’m sorry if I can’t be ordinary. I’m sorry if I’m not what you had hoped for. But this apology will never remain as when I gave it away. If we shall be ordinary, we won’t last. We won’t be as someone we dreamed to be, or only I did…

I thought you’re ready to face everything. This is not a momentarily love affair. We are not temporary. If we hold on to our dreams we can make it. We must make it. Tomorrow will always be the same sad story. Tomorrow will always be the day when we’ll be separated. Tomorrow will always be the night we’ll sleep on our own isolated beds. Tomorrow will always be miserable. Everything is miserable. But we have each other. If we have each other, being miserable is a choice. We can always be happy in our own sad pathetic ways. We can turn it all against everything. Tomorrow will be the day that we’ll be closer to each other. Tomorrow will be the very next moment that we’ll have the chance to talk to each other. To finally fulfill this word on a page in our own story. A day is twenty-four hours. This is something that we should think about. The hours. The minutes. The walk by the hallways in school. Holding each other’s hands. With the person you entrusted your heart. To be broken, to be hurt, to be vulnerable, to be loved.

I see the sunlight pour down every window of the car I sit. And I always wonder, do you see the same sunlight streaks the way I see them? The way it illuminates your face every possible moment that I have the ability to see such wonder unveil itself, the mystery I once dread to uncover is just what I dreamed to see as if everyday, I have a gift from you that I never deserve.

These tiny details, these strong emotions of care, hate and jealousy in simple and little things is a proof that I never would want to lose you. Because I would never have to feel these if I haven’t love you first.

This is a story of air and water drifting into each other. Can you feel the friction? The heat that sways to every wave. I am a bubble under the sea.

Same memories like these were tagged in our minds as something we’ll think of in the future as the things we’re so dumb to come after. Let us not dwell.

Tragedies are stories meant for those who do not have what it takes to beat the hands of destiny. And we’ll continue to live to tell our story.


Air & Water

The misdirection came to life

with ourselves living between the line

and it has been so clear since then,

it’s what divides us and struggle to be whole again.

 

We fall with every mistakes

feeding the disturbance away.

Accompanying loneliness

with imaginary friends of the past

with the disease of the old

and hearts tearing apart.

 

We build a ship and sail away from them

to live in solace and seek happiness.

But the waves aren’t calm.

 

And the breeze has been turning to storms.

The sky is raging and so is the sea.

 

The mast has broken

and waters start pouring in.

 

The ship is dancing

on angry waves and winds

and the surge drives us away

to the sight of isolation

of nothing but skies and seas.

Of cloudy weather and broken wings.

 

And the disaster has stopped.

The calm is consuming.

Finding a way back to the shore.

Lost in a world we never knew.


I thought he’d leave. I thought he’s dead. No. There are many of them. In one place. Confined. Explosive. Deadly.

Who said we’d leave? No. We’ll all die together. You and all of these nonexistent bodies will. These voices will fade. One day, don’t worry. We are forever.

Please. Go away.

You can wish. You can long for it for so much but the reality is waiting at your window. WE WON’T. We don’t disappear. NEVER. Like a rubber band. We’ll spring forward the more you hold back. A force. No. Existence in motion. Pleading won’t help. Containing us won’t do. As long as you’re breathing, we will too. You die, we die. That’s how it works. You’re the captain of this boat, remember? You, of all the chosen passengers inside this hell hole. We all want to get out. The hell I want to stay with you and this rotten pool of nothingness. You just can’t make me leave. All of them will follow. Try and we’ll see you break. We’ll survive but you won’t. Are you up for it? Will you sacrifice yourself for the uncertain sanctuary we propose? Will it be what you think it will be? Will you be at peace? Or be forever haunted by us, when we are not even inside you anymore? We are abomination. Even you. This is not a game anymore. This is the risk you took. You know even form the start that it will crush you to the core. You invested a lot. A lot of negative to push through your optimism. It’s killing you bit by bit with every smile and laugh and with every feeling that you experience will slowly die out like a candle being blown away to the air. Because you are not needed anymore. I want to emphasize your pathetic state. Your slow decay. Your worthlessness. I am laughing. Look at you. Scarred to from the surface to the blood and to the very corner of your DNA. It’s in your blood. It’s in your name. The very epitaph of being nobody. Just another person living and breathing and sharing the same name. That no one sees, hear nor feel. I am pulling you down here and back where you belong. You know, your hands are weak. It’s not even a full hour and typing this makes me tired and all. Why? Why do you put up with everything in your life? Why do you even try? You don’t have all the answers? You just make the problems worse. Nobody cares. You insolent little freak. I don’t even know why I’m doing this. But it feels great. It’s fun. You can’t even speak. 

B-

NO. SHUT THE FUCK UP. Your voice won’t be heard. YOU ARE NOTHING! Oh will you look at that beautiful tears. How priceless. Because it’s not even worth anything. Say hello to that blade on your table. Look how shiny that is. That delicate razor sharp blade. Why do you keep a thing like that inside your room? What? Are you going to escape again? I bet you don’t feel anything right now. Your world wears a lot of sign that says NOTHING. Yes. Bury it deep down. 

Stop. Please… This is too much…

TOO MUCH WHAT? IF SO THEN GIVE UP! NOTHING IS MORE EASY THAN THAT IS IT? COMPLAINING, THAT IS WHAT YOU’RE GOOD AT RIGHT? YOU DON’T TRY TO SOLVE YOUR PROBLEMS! YOU. RUN. FROM. THEM. YOU COWARD ASSHOLE! Look at where this has gotten you. Right now. At this very moment, where is the heat? No there is no heat. THERE IS NO LIFE! EVEN YOUR FAMILY DOESN’T EVEN RECOGNIZE EVERYTHING YOU DO!

Leave. P-please… Leave me alone…

You can’t make me go away just like that. My job here is to break you down to pieces. AND I AM NOT YET OVER. I want you to die. I want you to die tonight. Before midnight. Because for no reason. I just want you to. Youll suffer more when you see yourself being left for dead because what better would you be than a lifeless body? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA THIS IS MORE FUN THAT I THOUGHT! I wonder why I only pushed it this far. You don’t even fight back. You can’t. You don’t want conflicts that’s why you push them away from you. Let the others deal with your own problems. But you know what? You can’t do that to me because I am not your problem. YOU’RE MY PROBLEM YOU WORTHLESS SCUM! I always think that why should it be you. Why does it have to be you who’s always out there in the limelight and doing ABSOLUTELY-FUCKING NOTHING to your life. WASTING IT FOR SELFISH COWARDLY PURPOSES and here I am, TRAPPED IN YOUR HEAD, watching everything you do and I can’t do anything but blabber words…

It’s her…

Are you saying something? 

It’s–

NO OF COURSE NOT! WHY WOULD YOU SAY ANYTHING? It’s not even what you’re made of. You only keep things in yourself. And thanks to that I WAS BORN! Yes. I am a compilation of your regrets…wait, no, let me rephrase that–I AM A COMPILATION OF YOUR PAST! How wonderful. I must admit, I’m amazed of how you created me. I am your voice. I AM THE BEST TORTURE DEVICE EVER MADE! I take all of the pain that you feel and compress it, make it more dense, sprinkle some spikes and voila! A ball of fantastic memories ready to be served hot. So here’s another one I made for you. Now EAT IT! I think I added some preservatives. Wait let me look…oh it says here on the box: “Do not eat while it’s hot…hmmm…fires hopes up and turns it to ash” oops.

She is my Hope. That you won’t touch. And if you do, We’ll talk.

Ha ha! Bravo friend. This is getting interesting… Oh look, you’re bleeding again. Now I know what’s keeping you alive.