Tag Archives: Memory

Phantasmagoria

A poem is like a memory of a dream after waking…

 

A fragment…

A vignette…

A story marginalized by frames…

…captioned by time.

without a beginning…

a middle…

or end.

 

And as the river of time passes by,

the strips of memories

scream to                          f a  d   e

yet, it echoes

bouncing back

incompletely

from your mind

and curiosity, leaving you

wondering about how things

could have transpired.

 

But you will never                                remember

since it never really matter

and you’re back to this ugly world

because we are bound to                               forget

but never                          surrender.

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“Let’s keep this a secret.”

We were sitting, facing each other beside the transparent glass windows of a restaurant. The busy streets on the other side have no idea of the trembling in my hand or nor did you. The weather resembles your skin. Clear bright cloudless blue sky, in its most calming state that I have ever encountered. The classical music inside were the only thing I have heard since we got in here because you said you need some company. All that is present is the starling detail of your hair as you hide it behind your ear and your eyes were on the menu.

You looked up, and asked me, “Are you going to order anything?”

I straightened up, hoping you didn’t catch me staring to your eyes, “Uh,” I said as my mind blew up for a moment, sending every word scattered all across the floor of my brain and its pieces, leaving me with the most prehistoric language ever recorded throughout the human history.

Underneath the table, my hands are getting sweaty and twitching to endless loops. But before I try to say anything more stupid, the waiter came along.

“Mhm, I’m gonna have this,” you said, pointing at the menu at something I cannot see, “and just water for my drink. No ice please.”

The waiter scribbled quickly on his note before turning to me, “And you, sir?”

I cleared my throat. Maybe I did that just to make up with my award-winning awkward silent speech of all time that just happened a few moments ago. “I’m going to have what she ordered. Thanks. And uh, oh, water too with ice.” I added and smiled, then the waiter left.

Just when I thought that I had made it casual as I thought it would appear to be, I was wrong.

You leaned closer to me, placing your elbows on the table and putting your chin on your hands with a smile on your beautiful face, which was probably the cutest thing you did on that day.

“What is it with you today? You seem weird. Really weird.”

Though, I tried to open my mouth for the most random reply ever, you shifted your face to the right, looking outside the glass window.

“You know. I’ve never thought that this day would come.” you said without waiting for an answer.

The classical music keeps on playing on the background and I remember the time you told me how much you like the pieces of Chopin. How the sound of the piano soothes your feelings and that it reminded you of that Asian romantic film you told me. That’s why you wanted to spend the lunch here. I just don’t understand why it’s with me. Nor why wouldn’t it be with your crush that constantly text you sweet messages and bids you “good morning” and “good night” almost every day.

I just don’t get it.

“I just love silence.”

You muttered under your breath. Almost as inaudible to me as if you’re speaking to yourself.

“Yeah. Me too.”

And that was probably the first sentence that I said directly to you since we came in.

You cut your stare outside the window and hastily turned your head towards me with your hands still placed on your chin.

You smiled and it caught me off guard. Your eyes disappearing with your heart-melting grin.

I tried to look away but I couldn’t. I just wished that this moment could last forever.

Then you burst out laughing. Filling the scene with your sweet voice and your perfect teeth and you appear so happy. I couldn’t help but to also laugh and we did until tears formed in our eyes and our stomachs ache.

Our smiles didn’t recede even until our foods were served and for me, nothing else mattered after that. The food is nothing but food that I could indulge just enough for what I need to keep seeing you smile everyday. To make sure that you’ll wear that bright happy face even if its not for me.

So I watched you as you eat and you keep shooting me sharp glances but you can’t hold it for much longer so you always end up smiling. And this is my best memory of you that never happened.

Time means a lot and it being limited makes it much more precious more than anything else. How I found the reason in you to appreciate the betrayals of time in the midst of my happiness. And how I could not live without it creates this specific keyhole inside me especially made for you. I just fear the moment in the future when the inevitable shall show itself, whether good or bad, as long as I can see you shining in your own place, I can truly say that it’s only you that I need.

And I will never be the same again.